Before we dive in, let me be clear:
Yes, these kinds of power imbalances and emotionally unsafe dynamics happen both ways. There are women who feel silenced, gaslit, and afraid to speak up in their relationships with male partners. I’ve supported women through those painful realities, and I take male accountability seriously.
For more on that topic see my blog post: Recognising the Harm
But this post isn’t about that.
This post is a response to the countless men I support, good men, who are quietly breaking under the pressure of their relationship.
Men who feel emotionally punished for speaking their truth.
Men who are walking on eggshells trying to avoid conflict.
Men who are constantly blamed while trying everything they can to make things better.
Men who feel as though no matter how hard they try, it’s never enough.
Men who feel lost, resentful, depressed, and even suicidal.
Men who have learned to make themselves small in the hope of being loved.
So many carry the silent belief that it must be their fault, because the dominant narrative says if something’s wrong in the relationship, the man must be the problem. The term toxic masculinity has become so widespread it’s lost all nuance.
This post isn’t a denial of male harm, it’s a compassionate space to name a very real and under-recognised pain many men carry. It’s not about flipping the blame, but about telling the truth so that healing becomes possible for both partners.
You’re Not Broken - You’re Burnt Out
Many of the men I see in session say things like:
“She calls me selfish, but I’m the one always giving.”
“Every time I bring something up, I get blamed.”
“I can’t win. If I shut down, I’m cold. If I speak up, I’m unstable.”
“I feel like I’m always wrong.”
“She says I’m not doing enough, but I’m exhausted.”
These men aren’t villains. They’re not narcissists. And they’re certainly not fragile.
They’re burnt out, resentful, and disconnected from their truth.
They’ve bent themselves into a shape they hoped would be lovable.
They’re living in reaction, not alignment.
They’ve learned that the price of honesty is punishment.
This post is about learning how to be powerful and loving at the same time.
How Men Lose Themselves in Codependent Dynamics
If you have an anxious attachment style or a history of emotional neglect, you’re more likely to:
Over-function in the relationship
Base your worth on how your partner feels about you
Avoid conflict at all costs
Confuse love with appeasement
In other words, you walk on eggshells, and call it love.
This often plays out with women who are emotionally reactive, controlling, critical, or emotionally distant. That doesn’t make them bad people. But it does mean you need to wake up to your part in the dynamic.
It’s not your fault.
But if you’ve had enough of this result, it is your responsibility to do something about it.
Some Popular Voices on This Topic
Here’s how a few well-known teachers speak to this pattern:
Dr. Robert Glover (No More Mr. Nice Guy):
“Nice Guys believe if they do everything right, they’ll be loved and get their needs met. It never works.”
John Wineland (From the Core):
“You can be loving and uncompromising at the same time.”
David Deida (The Way of the Superior Man):
“Your woman tests you to feel your depth.”
Dr. Becky Kennedy (Good Inside):
“You can set a boundary and stay connected.”
What Narcissistic Patterns Can Look Like (Even If She’s Not a Narcissist)
Let’s be clear: I’m not diagnosing anyone.
What I’m talking about are patterns of behaviour that can emerge from trauma, dysregulation, and shame. These are not the same as a clinical diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder.
As Terry Real says, narcissism is just a fancy word for selfishness, and we live in a society that conditions all of us to be self-focused and relationally underdeveloped.
Here are some patterns men often experience in these dynamics:
Gaslighting: “You’re too sensitive,” “That didn’t happen,” “You’re imagining things”
Blame-shifting: Your attempt at honesty gets flipped into an attack on you
Entitlement: Expecting your emotional labour while dismissing your needs
Control: Withholding affection, giving silent treatment, using sex as leverage
Disrespect: Name-calling, yelling, mocking, threatening to leave
Aggression: Breaking objects, throwing things, screaming
Weaponised shame: Making you feel weak, unstable, or unlovable for expressing vulnerability
And if you have children, the emotional bind becomes even tighter. You may tolerate more than is healthy in an effort to keep the family intact. But over time, this wears down your clarity, your dignity, and your ability to lead with love.
While public discourse on domestic violence rightly focuses on the devastating reality of male violence toward women, and continues to push for vital change, recent national statistics reveal another truth that is far less often spoken.
At least one in three victims of family violence in Australia is male.
Men are just as likely as women to report experiencing emotional abuse from a partner.
Nearly half of all family and domestic violence-related homicide victims are male.
The vast majority of male victims (94%) report a female perpetrator, and men are 2 to 3 times more likely than women to never tell anyone about what they’ve experienced.Source: Australian Family Violence Statistics – One in Three Campaign
I am speaking to these men. You are not alone.
A Compassionate Look at What’s Often Behind the Behaviour
People don’t overpower others for no reason. Often, it’s a response to trauma. To a history of powerlessness. Or to a deep fear that no one will meet their needs unless they control or dominate.
From a psychological perspective, many controlling behaviours stem from:
A childhood where needs were ignored or punished
An internalised sense of unworthiness or shame
A nervous system that doesn’t know how to stay regulated during intimacy or stress
And beyond psychology, there are very real physiological issues, particularly for women, that can shape these patterns.
Consider:
PMDD (Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder)
Postpartum depletion
Thyroid dysfunction
Gut-brain axis imbalance
Burnout from being unsupported in parenting
Blood sugar and hormonal instability
These aren't excuses for harmful behaviour, but they are explanations that open the door to compassion.
And compassion allows you to set boundaries with care rather than collapse or rage.
What You Can Do About It: A Framework for Standing Strong Without Closing Your Heart
Here’s a simple framework to begin reclaiming your presence, dignity, and voice, while staying grounded in care.
1. Regulate Your Nervous System
You can’t make good decisions when you’re flooded. Learn to stay calm, even when your partner isn’t.
Practices:
2. Clarify What’s Underneath the Reaction
Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
What is the unmet need driving that feeling?
Can I meet it myself, or is there a request I’d like to make?
Your need is your responsibility. Your partner is not the only way it can be met.
3. Make Relationship Agreements About What’s Okay and What’s Not
Boundaries aren’t walls, they’re agreements that protect connection.
Reasonable expectations for emotional safety might include:
No arguing when emotionally overheated
No name-calling, blame, or raised voices
We don’t fight in front of the kids
We express feelings, needs, and requests instead of accusations
We hold weekly life meetings to plan and reflect
We seek external support when needed
You can also name:
What you will no longer accept
What you’re asking for moving forward
What’s required for emotional safety to exist between you
4. Set Boundaries in the Moment, Without Punishing
Here are a few real-time scripts:
“I want to understand you, and I love you. But I can’t do that when I’m being blamed. Can we take a break and come back to this with more care?”
“I’m going to step away for 20 minutes so we can both calm down. I’ll come back because this matters to me.”
“This feels important, can we save it for our therapist or life meeting where we can both be heard clearly?”
A Final Word
You don’t have to become cold, harsh, or distant to reclaim your power.
You don’t have to submit, collapse, or abandon yourself to keep the peace.
You can be:
Grounded and compassionate
Strong and emotionally available
Loving and unwavering in your self-respect
“True Masculine Power is not the forceful control of others to soothe my inner discontent (Power Over), nor the withdrawal from my truth to protect myself (Power Under).
It is the conscious application of Focus, Thought, Word, and Behaviour in service of my authentic purpose, transcending perceived obstacles for the highest good.
It is living courageously from my heart right now. (Power With)”
You deserve better.
And your kids, if you have them, deserve to see what healthy love actually looks like.
If This Spoke to You…
Or check out my video on Conscious Couples